You have to be 'Kid'ding me!
by Shadow-StrikeRaven
Summary: Okay, So, Several knights, a Man-servant and a Prince are riding through a forest, when they encounter a druid baby... Does it really need a punchline? More pointless crack, Mother-hen/Terrifying Merlin, Happily oblivious Arthur, A Comedy act also known as The Knights of the Round Table, Dainty Ninja's and General OOC-ness. You have been warned... Request fic for RheyaTheRaven.


**_Request from RheyaTheRaven. _**

_What if Arthur, the knights and Merlin find an orphan baby on the road/in the forest/whatever while on a quest far away from any villages or Camelot or any other humans for that matter and have to take care of him? I think it would be amusing to make the tough-rough-save-the-world kind of guys dealing with a little, cute, innocent, rather hungry, loudly screaming baby. Put some not so tolerant other knights and a protective mother-hen Merlin in the mix and I think we have a good idea for a more or less crack fic._  
_I saw you like to write reveal or post-reveal fics so maybe we can make the baby a druid baby to make it harder for Arthur (who still hates magic and still rather distrustful of druids that may or may not use magic, you get the point) and make this a reveal fic or you can go ahead and make it a post-reveal fic directly, your choice.  
__

**Well, Never one to say no to a challenge(Seriously, I did a 99 word drabble based on the word Antidisestablishmentarianism. This was a piece of cake... Mmm... Cake... Ahem, err... A walk in the park? OW! Watch where you're throwing that damned frisbee, you strange, irritating, blue-blue? *shrugs-* non-existent people... Okay, let's just say that this was a little less challenging.)**  
**Anyway, where was I? Oh yes... Ahem, Never one to say no to a challenge, I gave it a shot. Sorry it took so long!**

**Warning, More OOC than is usual for me(I know, that's saying something, right?) And it is really not my best work... At least I don't think so. Hmm, maybe I just need to wait for the Crack-Express to come rolling into the station in my mind again, so I can steal the entire thing and keep it, forever... and ever... and ever... *demonic grin***  
**Ah well, Hope you all enjoy! And please, don't judge me for the title. I've made It one of my life's weirder missions to make the worst puns possible.**  
**Anyway, no point in _Dragon_ this on... Hehe, it's funny, coz I said Dragon instead of dragging and Merlin has a dragon in it and... Hehe... yeah, right. *shuts up, trying to dodge the flying, rotten tomatoes***  
**Enjoy Folks!**  
**Ow, hey! What have I said about throwing cabbages, Carwa111!?**

* * *

**You have to be 'Kid'ding me!**

Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine, Percival, Elyan, Leon and Bedivere were all stood, stock still, staring at the small bundle on the rock in front of them.  
The small, _stirring_ bundle on the rock in front of them.  
"What is it?" Gwaine asked, debating whether to prod at it.  
Merlin smacked him across the back of the head, gesturing towards it.  
"It's a baby, Genius."  
At this, everyone apart from Merlin all leapt back.  
"B-Baby…?"  
"Yes Leon… Merlin replied, doing a, far too common, mental sigh of exasperation. "Now shut up, or you'll scare it."  
A sudden wailing told him that it was already too late for that, and Merlin sighed as Gwaine yelped.  
"M-Merlin? What is it doing! It's making a sound!"  
"… Unbelievable." Merlin snorted, and head over to the baby, gently picking it up. "Hello… Who's a cute little guy, huh? Who's a cutie pie… Aww, look Arthur! He's waving!"  
The others simply stared as Merlin rocked the small bundle of terrifying…ness into sleep again, grinning like a loon.

Arthur shook his head, dumbfounded. Here was Merlin, the clumsy and cowardly-He decided to ignore the fact that Merlin recently beat him at dodging throwing knives, before facing down Bedivere in a sword-fight, so that Arthur, who was(justifiably, in his opinion) sporting a 'very bad injury' otherwise known as a twisted ankle, could rest-… Where was he? Oh yeah. Here was Merlin, holding one of the most terrifying creatures known to man. And smiling whilst doing so.  
"Merlin…? We have to get going. What do we do with it- The baby?"  
"I'm going to call him Ashton. Coz it's a cute name, and he is so cute. Aren't you!? Yes you are… Yes you are… Aww, look! He's giggling!"  
"Merlin?"  
"Aww, look at his ickle diddle fingers!"  
"Merlin!"  
"Aww, are you hungry…? Here, let's get you some bread to munch on, hmm? Yeah, that'll have to do for now, I'm afraid, but you look old enough to-"  
"MERLIN!?"  
Merlin turned to see an annoyed looking Arthur with his arms crossed, fingers tapping.  
"Yes Arthur?"  
"We have to move. We're still eight days from Camelot and Civilisation, and I miss people."  
"But what about Ashie? Aww. Yeah. That's a cute nickname! Maybe we could-"  
"Merlin! Stop coddling the baby and look at me."  
"But Arthur!" He whined, "He's so cute! Why would I want to look at you, when I can look at him- Aww, look! He's smiling at me… Who's a cute ickle boy!?"  
"… Unbelievable." Arthur snorted, not even bothering to take note of the backhanded insult, then noticed the rest of the men. " And what are you lot waiting for? Get to it!"  
The rest of them, who had been stood staring between Merlin and Arthur like spectators to a tennis- … Sword throwing… match?- Anyway, like spectators to some kind of match, jumped, and hurried to get onto their horses, before snapping to attention, ready to go.

Arthur glanced at the baby, and seemed to be thinking about something, and Merlin glared at him, shifting the baby into one arm, and jabbing at Arthur.  
"Don't even think about it. I swear to god, Arthur, I will prank you from here till next year if you so much as voice anything other than 'The Baby is coming with us'. Go ahead, say something different. I dare you…"  
Arthur had uttered a –_completely silent_, and understandable of course- meep at the mention of being pranked, and nodded quickly, clearing his throat, not that he was going to leave the baby here. Honestly. He was just going to suggest waiting, for an indefinite amount of time, for whoever left the baby there to pick it up… True, that was mainly because he was worried it would start crying again, but still!  
Plus, Merlin's neckerchief (a.k.a, the doom/mood detector) was moving in a non-existent breeze. No way was he going up against that. Maybe if it just tweaked, but waving? Nope.  
Anyway…  
"The baby is coming with us."  
The evil, '_Go on, I dare you…_' glare on Merlin's face morphed to a wide, happy grin.  
"Aww, you hear that Ashie? You're coming home with me! Yes you are… Oh yes you are…"  
Arthur blinked as Merlin started tickling the baby, somehow managing to leap onto his horse with one hand, keeping a firm grip on the baby, and he decided not to say anything when Merlin gave him a questioning look.  
"Come on then Arthur, honestly… Are we going or not?" 

**Day 1… (Mid-Morning)**

"Waaaahhhhhh! Waaahhh!"  
"Aww, come here." Merlin said, hurriedly, taking the baby from Gwaine "GWAINE! DID YOU SCARE HIM!?"  
"N-no… Just picked him up and… He… Didn't like it… "  
Gwaine stumbled backwards as he felt the full measure of a protective, mother hen Merlin overcame him.  
"M-Merlin…? Buddy…?"  
"You scare him again, and you'll be dealing with me. And trust me, the prank weekend of vengeance, of last year, will seem like a picnic… Understood!?"  
Gwaine was too busy gulping and wondering how Merlin, the scrawny git who couldn't hold a sword straight, could look so bloody terrifying, to respond, and simply nodded, very quickly and in rapid succession.  
"Good." The glare morphed to a grin within the span of half a second when Merlin turned back to Ashton.  
"Aww, did the mean old man scare you? Don't worry. We'll get him… Yes we will… Who's Daddy's lickle prankster, huh? You are! Yes you are…"  
Gwaine shared a terrified look with Arthur, who looked equally stunned, as Merlin skipped off, tickling and muttering to the baby about the correct way to plot someone's demise. 

**Day 2… (Midday)  
**

"Waaaahhhh! Waahhhhh!"  
"Leon! What do you think you are doing!?"  
"P-Playing Peek-a-boo…"  
"Well stop it! Does Ashie look like he likes it!?"  
"N-No…?"  
"Then apologise and get out of here!"  
Leon gulped, nodding rapidly.  
"Sorry Ashton…"  
Then he legged it to the other end of the clearing, to hide- Ahem, find something to do, behind Arthur, lucky to get out of their with his skin intact… A fear which was very fitting as Percival was not sporting a bite mark from where Ashton bit him, when he attempted to play with him. Merlin had simply chuckled, looking like a proud mother as he cooed about how strong his 'ickle boy' was getting.  
He then told Percival to buck up and grow a pair, before skipping off again. 

**Day 3… (Mid-Afternoon)**

"Waaahhhhhh!"  
"Oh stop whinging, Gwaine. He's just tired! He can't help it! Honestly, you're sounding just like Ashie."  
Gwaine stopped his-surprisingly similar to Ashton's- wailing, and started sucking his thumb from where Ashie had bitten it.  
"B-But Merlin-"  
"No buts."  
"Yes Boss."  
Arthur blinked at that, but quickly decided not to comment. Everyone was entitled to a sense of self preservation after all. 

**Day 4… (Evening)**

Arthur blinked as he watched Ashton playing with a cup. Merlin had just left to brush down his horse, and he was left on Baby-sitting duty. Not that it was his choice, seeing as they had all battled for half an hour to decide who would decide, and Percival won… before subsequently getting revenge for Arthur tripping him into a tree and nominating him.  
So, here he was, watching the terror in front of him as the other escaped to the safety of the river.  
Watching the terror levitate the cup after he had dropped it, with little gold eyes.  
"MERLIN!"  
Merlin tripped backwards and yelped at the sudden noise, and leapt nimbly to his feet, heading over.  
"What?"  
"Baby… Did magic…"  
"… What!?"  
Merlin span and stared as Ashton, who was happily giggling as he span the cup around with magic.  
"Oh…" Merlin mentally cursed, gulped, and cursed again. Well shi-shizzle. Couldn't swear around the baby after all, even mentally. Little Ashton was going to grow up to be powerful if he was using magic at such a young age…  
"Ahem…"  
Oh, right. Mr 'I hate Magic'. He slowly turned and faced Arthur, who was looking thunderous.  
"MERLIN I-"  
"Arthur… Look, just calm down. He's only a baby… "  
Arthur glared at him, then gestured to the baby.  
"Then we'd better damned find some settlement to leave him in. We are not bringing him to Camelot."  
_No duh... _Merlin sighed, once again, in mental exasperation, before speaking to Arthur in a similar voice to that which he used on the Senile courtier who enjoyed eating cushions and baby oil.  
Namely, in a similar fashion to which you would talk to a toddler.  
"Okay, Arthur. _Very_ good decision."  
"… Okay, Merlin. What do you know?"  
"N-nothing." Wait, know something? Err.. Urm…"  
"…" The suspense built slightly, as Merlin started to worry that Arthur had begun to develop some sense of... well, sense. Until Arthur spoke up again, leaving Merlin sighing in relief that he was still the same, blind idiot.  
"Come Merlin, I'm sure Gaius had told you of some Druid settlement nearby? Don't try to hide it from me. You know you're a terrible liar."  
Merlin blinked. Really? Oh dear…  
"Err… Maybe?"  
"How far?"  
"Two days out of our way."  
"Bloody magic. Right, I'll go get the others. We'll just have to be late…"  
He head off, grumbling about babies, magic, druids and terrible man-servants, leaving Merlin to grin. He had been wanting to chat to Aglain again for a while now. 

**Day 5... (Mid-day)**

"Woooooooohhhhhhoooooooo!"  
Merlin merrily skipped along making their supper as Ashton was given a 'horsey wide' by Percival, who was-despite having been blackmailed into doing it by Arthur and Gwaine, who had forgotten their erstwhile rivalry in the face of the imminent danger that was 'Mother Hen' Merlin- actually enjoying himself.  
Aww, at least the little guy was having fun. 

**Day 6... (Evening)**

Thump... Thump... Thump-  
"Arthur? Why are you hitting your head against that tree?" Merlin asked, concerned about the few brain cells the Prince had left.  
"Dunno. Nothing to do with the constant wailing of the baby or nothing."  
Merlin rolled his eyes.  
"Honestly Arthur, he'll be gone tomorrow..." Then he stopped and blinked. Gone...? To-Tomorrow...?  
Merlin's eyes, to Arthur's dismay, began to look watery, and the sniffle sent Arthur into panic mode.  
"GWAINE! MERLIN IS LEAKING! IT'S BROKEN! THE MERLIN IS BROKEN! FIX IT!"  
And so the night continued into the following morning... 

**Day 7... (Mid-Afternoon)**

To say that Aglain was shocked to see Arthur Pendragon running up to him, and using him as a human shield was a shock, would be an understatement. To say that the Old Druid was surprised to see the rest of the Prince's entourage follow suit, and crouch behind him, whimpering, would also be an understatement.  
And to say that the Druid Elder was startled to see that Merlin appeared to be the cause of it would be the biggest understatement of the lot.  
He slowly and carefully shuffled away from the twitching, terrified and broken looking members of the Round Table, before turning to Merlin.  
"Emrys...? Could you please explain the actions of your... Comrades?"  
Merlin shrugged.  
"I dunno. All I said was that the baby looked like he was about to cry, and it had better not be one of their faults."  
Aglain blinked as he took in the scene, and realised what must be going on. Then he rolled his eyes at Merlin.  
Bless the boy, it would appear that he had no idea how terrifying he looked at the moment, what with the threatening, '_Go on, I dare you'_ look in his eyes and all...  
Almost as bad as the '_You have crossed the line. You will be pranked_' Look.  
Ouch...  
"So, Emrys... Care to explain what is going on...?"  
"Oh, of course. Come on Ashie..." He cheerfully whistled and followed the Druid inside the cave, leaving several bewildered knights hiding outside.  
_

"Of course, Merlin. We would gladly take the child in... You would like to visit, I assume, yes...?"  
The last was said under his breath, out of earshot of the knights, ad Merlin nodded.  
"Definitely."  
"Must have been left when the parents realised he had magic, poor little tyke... Very early development as well."  
"Well, we were in a rosewood copse in the forest. If the family lived in that part of the land, the trees could have enhanced his abilities or sped them up."  
"... What has Gaius done to you?"  
"... I don't know. He just talks... And talks... And talks..." Merlin started getting a dull, sleepy look in his eyes, and Aglain ended up whacking him across the back of the head.  
"I see... I appears he is placing you in some kind of trance, maybe to enhance your learning..."  
"Yeah... Or he could just be boring as hell and I read too much."  
"... That is also an optional explanation... Oh, Merlin? Could you please tell your Green Knight, over there, that Lucille really is not the kind of woman you want to- Oh. Don't worry, I think he got the message... Now, I believe you wanted to something about a Sword and a Lake, and how cliché such a thing would be...?"

Gwaine rubbed his head as he sat up, from where he had landed against the wall... Having been thrown halfway across the room, _after_ being whacked across the head with a jug, by a dainty looking woman with a delicate frame and a sweet, innocent smile.  
"Okay, I get it Karma. I'm sorry, okay? Sheesh. I think I'll stick with the Tavern..."  
The other knights were too busy rolling on the floor, laughing their heads off, to pay much attention to anything after that, so Merlin was able to say goodbye to the vast majority of the people he needed to before they finally acted their ages and stopped laughing.  
Of course, he also played three games of dice, had one knife throwing contest and ate dinner during that time as well.  
But they all quickly sobered up when Merlin gave them his 'I'm happy and if you do not do what I am suggesting, I will be sad and you will feel like old, cruel, heartless wretches' look.  
"Hey guys, want to say goodbye to Ashie?"  
"Err... Erm..." As terrifying as the look was, they were not sure they had the guts to-  
"Aww, come on guys!"  
They all, simultaneously, cursed inside their heads. Damn it, he was giving them the Puppy eyed look.  
You could _never_ say no to the puppy eyed look. You so much as hesitated when subjected to the look and you felt like the cruelest person in the world...  
"Sure Merlin, we'll say goodbye."

"Aww, I sure will miss him, won't you guys?"  
A lot of nodding and forced tears met this statement, and Gwaine had the sense to pinch himself to make real tears form when Merlin gave him a suspicious look.  
They sighed as they finally left the clearing, out of sight. Safe...

…

…

…

"Oh, Merlin?"  
"Yes Arthur?"  
"Why were they calling you Emrys?"  
"Oh... Must be some weird custom of theirs."  
"Good, I could have sworn it was the name of some sorcerer I read about in a book once. "  
"Huh... Honestly, Arthur?"  
"I know, how stupid of me. I must have misread it."  
"... Wouldn't be the first time."  
"Shut up Merlin."  
"Yes Sire..."  
Merlin was inwardly marvelling. And this was the prophesied High King?  
They were doomed.

* * *

**Okay, so yet another unorthodox ending(Yeah, I used a big word. I am kinda smart, ya know guys... *huffs*)**  
**Anyways, let me know what you think, or if you have any short requests!**  
**Hope you enjoyed :D**

**Till next time!**

**Raven xx**

**(Oh, and sorry it took so Long Rheya!)**


End file.
